Bikes, a Blink and a Grin

At this moment, I’m feeling like that American youth of the 70s… long hair, faded Levi's, Hawaiian shirt, shades, the bike and my guitar. Out to explore the world with no specific destination… leaving behind a past.

Just had a chat with a dear buddy from high school… and felt like reliving those days. *Summer of 69 tune in the background*

We were a group of 4.
I, Aniruddha, Vijay and Deepali. We had our bicycles and had our crazy freedom. Outside college hours or bunking lectures at times, we rode out of the campus on our beloved bikes… wind ripping at our shirts.

Had long chats and laughed like mad after messing up the examinations. We did somehow manage to score well in the finals though. :P

We had our tangled love lives, screwed exams and yet found time to talk about everything but these. Not a care in the world… knowing we will pass out with good marks… having mild crushes here and there… those years were absolute fun which I realize now.

(Not that I don’t love RAIT, mind you. But I’m older now) :P

During our 20 minute chat (punctuated by giggles, loud laughs and question marks), Deepali reminded me of all the silly things we used to do.

I suddenly had a vivid image of Aniruddha cracking a joke while leaning on his bike and us having a good ol’ laugh.
I remembered how Vijay used to pull our prof’s legs. (Don’t get too literal)
Missed how I, Ruddha and Deepali took the longest route possible while going home after college.
Yeah, missed those days.

So I and the Maritime Chick made plans to meet when she comes down here next.
(She’s in Pune, Tolani Maritime Institute)

Past is so wonderful. We talked about the relationship I was in at that time. It all felt like yesterday. I felt 17 and the cold wind did nothing but encourage this strange feeling.

(I was dating a girl while the whole college thought I and Deepali were together. And we went out of the way to even convince my girl then) :P

And I felt I was in love with my ex all over again.

Past is so wonderful.
It clings to us even if we’re staring at the bright glare of Future.
It clings to us like a deep etched scar.
Healed and at peace.
Past is so wonderful.

I want to reach out to all those folks who made my two years in high school enjoyable.
They are my past.
I want to leave behind a past when I ride out towards my destiny.

The phone call ended with a grin. The excitement was too much to overcome and I fixed myself a strong cuppa.

While typing out the unsaid emotions, I saw a face before me… sweet, dark eyes, looking up at me and smiling… Damn, that angelic smile I’ll never forget.

My girl from high school, who isn’t a part of my life any more.

I blinked and she was gone.

Past is wonderful though, no?

Reflections

A glow in the dark
A glow below the dense, damp trees
Warm and rich
The moon?
Her eyes
And her smile.

A whisper among the leaves
A faint footfall
Wind swirling around
Shivers of ecstasy down the spine
Her touch, so soft.

Swish of her hair
Her tender mention of the cold
So comfortably cold it is
Yet so comfortably at ease
I am with her.

A stroll in the wild
A walk by the lake
Still water which lies under the sky
She plays with it
She is joyful
But she fails to see in it
The reflections of my heart.

Opening Up

I remember how weird and twisted some of my childhood years were. I bet my loved ones had no idea what I was going through or rather, what I was putting myself through.

It did eat me from within and that resulted in a temporary habit as explained aptly by Louis Hay in her amazing book- ‘You Can Heal Your Life’. :P

I learnt lying at an early age. Even today I’m confident of lying through my teeth without even a flicker of an eyelid. But I don’t. It ain't worth it.

My first taste of freedom (in 6th) was bad. I gave up what I hated doing anyways, studying. That saw my fall from the 1^st rank and soon from the top 3. I juggled between 4^th and 6^th till the very end of schooling. Never 5^th, mind you.

I’ve gone through everything and have seen everything. Exploring all the dark paths, I’m comfortably aware of everything. I’ve lied about stuff, bunked school, skipped class tests and what not.

Interestingly, porn never caught my fancy. In fact, having caught my friends watching it, it disgusted me.

Still, I had this habit of pushing things under the carpet. Once solving the problem, I avoided thinking about it and thus failed to prevent it from happening again. This had adverse effects on my tender conscience.

I saved myself from tight spots during both the board exams and guaranteed my safe passage to good colleges but still… the guilt gnawed at my insides as ever and I found myself becoming physically and mentally weak.

I finally saw sense at the brink of adulthood. Learnt to look life straight in the eye. Learnt to be honest and accept things as they are.

That decreased the need of social approval in me to a considerable extent.

This helped me write. Writing to me is like confessing. I can’t sit on this table to think and then write. It has to be inside already and I just have to pour it out. Things I don’t speak or I’ll never speak come tumbling out in the form of words. Hands start typing and before realizing, I’ve before myself a poem or a write-up.

This form of expression helped me accept myself and it helped me grow. It helped me open up. Having read my poetry, the family started knowing what went on in my mind. They understood me better and gave me my space which I badly needed.

It helped me clear my mind of all guilt, of all the soggy loads and healed me from within.

I again recommend the mentioned book. :P

I regret my dishonesty now. I was a fool and I was a fool.

Maybe this realization is what prompts me to write my Internet profiles in detail. Unconsciously, I tend to show that I’ve nothing to hide.

It’s better to face things you hate than running away from them. For they haunt you and that sucks.
Make them a part of your life and be aware of their presence. Feel the pain daily and you’ll feel it lessening slowly.

These skeletons in your closet have no right to live forever.
Stare them down.

That’s what I’m doing at the mo… though the situation is very different.

No, nothing to do with academics.

Twilight Coffee

It’s one of those evenings. I’m feeling all lonely (well I’m alone at home) and am trying to get cozy sitting in front of the computer with a beloved mug full of coffee.

Soulful music is what I’m craving for.

After a pretty long time are Pink Floyd, Doors and Eagles playing through my speakers.

I log on to Orkut… browse around... see a particular profile… feel that heart ache.

Gawd… what an evening!

Then as usual, I start thinking. :P

Status:

Family- away on prior commitments.

Ex- angry *frowns*

Relationship Status- single *sighs*

Best buds- argued with one, others busy in respective exams.

Girls I find cute- out of reach at the moment

Girls who find me cute- wanting to be out of their reach. *sighs*

Music- Clapton, Mayer, Nirvana, Death, Psychedelic and Oldies.

Cell phone- ever ageing

Hair- ever dwindling

Mates- all of ‘em busy in effing exams!! (as I’m supposed to be)

Kid Bros- both of ‘em in a far away city

My head- in that ruddy cranium

Yet again I missed my lucky ex for some inscrutable reason.

I grew up within myself and learnt to forgive. (I added a certain git to my Orkut 'Fraanship' List) (This was done to put an end to all those bad vibes)

(And in this manner..)
Brought some love in that arrogant, romantic heart of mine.

I evolved… a bit more.

Twilight coffee can do wonders. :)

Dumbasses

(This post may exhibit extreme opinions. Some sentences may appear as if they're being yelled out. Please understand that it was written when I was angry, frustrated and disgusted. The mood gets reflected in my writing. Cheers,)

Education gives birth to better citizens. What’s education according to the average Indian citizens? Nothing but marks!

I say that’s bullshit.

Pure, unadulterated, eco-friendly bullshit.

I have seen blokes with excellent marks being as worthy of being a good citizen as is a muddy pig.

Common mannerisms (regarding spitting, peeing and littering) are absent in these ‘model’ students.

Under graduate male students have no idea how to respect the fairer ‘n cuter sex.

Ignorance abundant and airhead personality, these class toppers search for ‘fraanship’ on social networking sites.

I aint cursing the breed… but though they’re less in number, these hateful freaks have successfully planted hatred in my mind.

They are pitiable too.

No family values, sick neighborhood and pathetic teachers are the sole reason behind the existence of these types.

Let’s come to a true incident as narrated to me by me:

“As you know, Xavieriites and VJTI students rarely remove their identity cards while commuting. I mean alright, they’re lucky and smart… they’re enjoying in two of the best colleges Mumbai has to offer. But why the hell do they have to show off?! Show off to whom?! To the population which hardly bothers about your college while pushing you around in the train?!

Anyways, once on my way back home, I spotted a young, bespectacled, VJTI guy in my first class compartment. Since it was partially empty, he was happily getting high on his i-pod and had his pair of dirty lower limbs firmly placed on the opposite seat.

*Note: VJTI Engineers are one of the best in the country. I’m witnessing the great college’s spawn. He is educated and is being educated. Model Engineer. Model citizen.*

I lost my temper at once. I asked him point blank (with Nazi arrogance) what the number of his spectacle lenses was. Confused, he answered in decimals. I asked him whether he can see objects at a distance now that he’s armed with four eyes. He said he can. I pointed to the sign (telling commuters to keep their feet off the seats) and told him to read it. He did and shrugged. How stupid could he get?! I practically ordered him to read it again and obey. At last the dumbass got his face red and humiliation before 10 odd commuters caused him to lower his feet and occupied himself with the rapid blur of shapes outside the window.

He had his ears bright red till the very end of my journey. I taught him a lesson and I’m damn happy!

A Bullet in the Head

That night was horrifying. Sleep left me and morning brought more shocking news. Hemant Karkare, whom I’d seen walking and talking that very night on the television, was dead.

There’s nothing actually that I wish to write on this terror attack. It has left me, like everyone else around me, numb.

Two of my friends’ friends lost their fathers.
One of my close buddies was saved by some 5 minutes. Had she not caught the train… don’t even want to think about it.
My uncle, saved by his luck and presence of mind.

But many didn’t make it and they are my kin too after all.

Negligence, corruption and insensitive politicians. That’s all to it.

I cried from within every time the death toll increased. I lit a candle in my mind for every innocent soul making its way upwards. I felt proud of the Armed Forces, NSG and the Police. Who didn’t?

A photo in The Times of India caught my fancy the very next day. Pigeons flying like they always do with Taj in the background. Only that the Taj was burning. Did not it represent a wounded India?

The pigeons stood for us Indians, the way our lives move on as if nothing has happened. The pigeons are stupid and this symbolizes our immunity.

We’ve become immune to these terror attacks. It aint good.

We need good managers in the government and some honesty. If only we could buy some.

My heart bleeds for the dead. My heart bleeds for those wounded. It bows low to those who laid down their lives for us. Their holy bodies had to accept the cursed bullets of the enemy.

Youths being brainwashed into believing that this will take them to Heaven and virgins… and the terrorists were actually dumb enough to believe that they’ll get out of the nation alive.

If only they could understand international politics.

If only they could see that a Muslim with a bullet in his head is same as a Hindu with a bullet in his head.

A sick sms made rounds during those days. Dumbasses declaring a party at Taj Hotel and something about not cribbing that it’s their fault if we don’t visit.

What the heck?!

Humor can stoop this low?!

Anyways, I hope the government takes necessary measures and there's nothing else at the moment that I can do. Still, I believe in democracy. Military rule in India is an absolute no-no.

A bullet in the head of the accused after a painful torture is all I ask for.