Cocaine

"If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues; cocaine.
When your day is done and you wanna run; cocaine.
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine..."

The break of dawn, a cuppa Caffeine, them Clapton songs and Memories.
I write and thus release those mental blocks or maybe it is just like talking about something and getting just ears in return, which seldom happens. So I write. And instead of couple of close pals, I tell it to all you dear people who read my blog thingy.

Mum says I caress the mental blocks when I write and rather than solving them, I just write about them thus glorifying stuff I shouldn't be glorifying. No Ol' Momma, I don't glorify the shit in my mind. Do we glorify shit? We just take it out the right way and there it goes down with the flushed water. And we come out satisfied. :)

Clapton takes me back to a few chosen paths in my mind. I miss certain moments and a person. It was during the Clapton strums I fell in love with her and over Clapton strums the feeling had to go.

That feeling has no past and certainly no future. It fades away the next instant but at that time- I'm all warm and a fool for ruddy emotions. :)

"If your thing is gone and you wanna ride on; cocaine.
Don't forget this fact, you cant get it back; cocaine.
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine..."

A Narcotic.
That is what Love is. And that is what it feels like when it's supposed to stay no more. It comes back, in a rush of sounds and heart-beats, when you live in the past and then you open your eyes, here is your present... future staring you in the face and the Mad Rush?
Gone... like the rain.

I missed her today morning. Then I missed her no more.
I don't know whether I'll miss her again or not.
It is not for me to know.
Not when it comes and goes with Clapton strums.
And I am not an addict for sure. :)

Just stay in the moment and feel in love.
Then stay in the future and feel in love with another person.
What matters is the melting feeling you experience...
And the silly grin that forms on your face.

Feel the rush and let it go.
It gives you a High and an Insight into things.
The pieces all fall into place and you see the sense of things.
A jigsaw never makes sense in the present but it does in the future.
Godspeed!

"She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie; cocaine."

Flight of the Butterfly

Be black on something white
or
Be white on something black
You will stand out and you won't be able to do anything about it.

Or just let the butterfly of your thoughts settle on your colorless mind, paint it all black and make believe everything is One. Because the multicolored butterfly is now black, just like everything else. You painted stuff with the color you wanted and now everything is of the color you wanted. Just like you think it should be.

And when the slightest wind makes the insect fly away, it leaves behind a mark. And you try to justify the Flight of the Butterfly.

Better to keep the wall clean from the start.
Better to keep the slate clean.

If multicolored graffiti is not your cup of tea, better not start with any. If you want to experiment, make sure there are no remnants of past experimentation.

Even if I become blind,
I'll run my hand over the wall just to make sure there is nothing removable/alive on it.
If I want my wall black, I'll make sure nothing can make it white.

Bull's Eye!
:)

I Hung Up

It was a hard day.
After a recent screw-up on the academic front, I was slightly err, okay- greatly mind-fucked.

Mind-Fucked:
When I feel immature to the core, take pleasure in impulsive and rash decisions and am either found lying somewhere looking all gloomy or laughing my arse off for no reason at all.

Had spent the day in important meets and quality coffee indulgence, quality chocolate indulgence and quality conversations with pals- Ruta ‘n Andre.

Evening came with its blues and gentle hues.
Today those were melancholies…

The call had come and I ignored it. Didn’t feel like picking it up like I once used to. Sometime later, a song reminded me of the very person and this time I called the number up.

There was a time when I used to look up the same phone number and feel at peace listening to whatever went on the other end of the line. I talked stuff, I heard stuff and I heard stuff.
But today was a rainy day.

James Morrison-
“It is gonna be a rainy day
There’s nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won’t stop the rain.”

I called up the number; it rang and was picked up. And then it started. I could hear about the haze of things which had happened in her parallel life today. I heard this and I heard that. A few mentions of people about whom I don’t care a fart. I kept listening.

Something was different today.
I could not understand what was wrong or rather I kept wondering was it really wrong. How did I ever found similar conversations interesting? Was it really a part of my ‘memorable’ past? Moments spent in waiting for these conversations?

Maybe I had changed.
Maybe she had changed.
Maybe the times had changed.

Actually- Today had changed.
The equations did not fit in the table Today.

I could not take it anymore.
Here I am, mind-fucked, and not able to get a word out to calm myself.
And I expected this call to ease my stress?!

I could not take it anymore.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to.
Not today.

I felt bored.
Maybe there was a call waiting on my cell-phone or maybe there wasn’t any…
But I lied that there was and I hung up.

*strides away*

It's A Rainy Day!

Dull and drab, I was feeling like the clouds up above, stationary at their place, not allowed to move but just do their work. Curled up on the sofa in my dark living room, my thoughts I felt were like the raindrops, falling down with no sense whatsoever, one among many.
I felt like one among many.
Call it predictable people but a spoonful of hot rice (I was curled up on the sofa for lunch) did the trick, and I couldn't help the grin forming on my face and the jubilant cry was heard all around my apartment-
"It's a rainy day!"

Later I'm inside feeling one with the gloom around me and thinking like ever..
The Pink Floyd notes float around me and I travel deep inside. I go through the darkest insecurities, through the most powerful ambitions and the meanest desires. I see the past as the present and the future as tomorrow as it is supposed to be. There is no present. I live in the past and see the future. Denial?
After all, It's a rainy day!

I've got a chocolate cake in the oven. I can't open the oven doors. My cake is perfect in all aspects but it doesn't want to open the oven doors from inside either. So I just sit there hoping to have it someday when I ain't supposed to.
When I know I probably am not going to.
Then why even look at it when the decision's taken?
Why? Ain't I strong enough?
But a moment of weakness is tempting.
Temptations come and go like the rain...
It's a rainy day!

The chilly winds remind me of the tasks I've set for myself and the trenches I'm in at the moment. Chilly winds remind me of the heights I've conquered when I was deep down below just a year back. The wind reminds me of the tears I had shed for a beloved animal and the warmth of a hand clasped tightly in mine as the sea lay in its calm serenity before the two of us. It all comes down to the same thing, eh? I'm drunk on Life and that's what gonna happen!
The hangover will last as long as my dreams are wet with memories...
It's a rainy day!

Rain is Time.
It shows me the futility of trying to bridge gaps, futility of hoping for the moon during daytime when all I need to do is go through the day first. Why hope for the night when it's gonna come sooner or later?! Just go through the ruddy day first!

Rain is Cold. It shows me that unless we are able to make ourselves warm, there's no fun in being cold.
Rain is Wet. It shows me that unless we are able to make ourselves dry, there's no fun in being wet.

Rain is a narcotic.
It makes me hallucinate and live in the past.
It acts as a sedative and otherwise I'm on a high.
A different kind of high.. where I'm unaware of what I think and do.
It makes me indulge in its addictive fumes again and again when somewhere inside I know there is no point. Rain makes me a drunkard.
The rain won't last for long... but today-
It's a rainy day!

Rain is an incident in my mind where the conversation over cups of coffee took strides in a direction I'd seldom imagined. It will soon fade away but will leave me dreading other such rainy days. Why I'm all about the same thing today?
It's a bloody rainy day!

Rain is in my soul.
Rain is Me.

I make myself go out for a walk in the rain and return drenched. I refuse to make myself dry and refuse to make myself warm. I refuse to see the Sun which stands just behind the clouds. Because pushing the clouds aside is painful? Because I love the clouds? Or do I love myself thinking about the painful clouds I love?
I love the pain?
Pleasurable pain?
Bullshit.

I live a rainy day while it lasts.
Then I live under the Sun.
And the Blues lie where they should... awaiting a rainy day.
In the meanwhile- I love what I want to love.
:)

Eleven

Why Eleven? What is Eleven?
How do you write Eleven?
Two vertical, parallel lines which start from the same base line... having no other relation whatsoever.
Eleven is a beginning of a new Decade after the End which is Ten.
So many meanings hidden in the number.
Or rather- so many things which can be analyzed once the wheels of thought are set in motion...

I and the girl (I used to date) planned a meet one day.
It was, perhaps, supposed to show ourselves that the hatchet has been well and truly buried.

I'd suggested a comfortable Coffee bar. She suggested the railway station.
She had her way because she had her reasons. The same reasons.
Reasons which held no logic to me, as always.

The platform was dusty, the platform was dark and empty.
She stood there sipping a cold drink as I walked towards her...
She looked just like she had looked a year back... the last time I'd seen her.
Her dark eyes spoke volumes as they always did, but hid mysteries.
Her smile, for some comprehensible reason, failing to melt my heart.
But it was sweet nonetheless.

We spoke of nothing in particular.
Just about random things going on in our lives and the new individuals we are with now.
It all seemed normal.
Was this a start to a new relationship as friends?
They do sing past lovers can become the best of friends.

Er... no. Nothing of the sort.
We did part like pals.
But soon, we argued again and things fell back into place.
Nothing had changed.
I still saw her as a 'Dimwit' while she believed I'm 'Weak'.
We have not talked since then... and don't even intend to.
No regrets.

For the first time- the stark reality of the situation struck me.
We were two individuals who saw no reason to stay in touch with each other.
Two humans whose lives would go on... on parallel tracks.
But who saw no reason to bridge whatever gap they had created.

Why 'Eleven' and 'Parallel'?
Why not a 'Y' shape which so clearly suggests separation after being together?

• Because she won't ever be inaccessible. We will always have common friends and be always within reach. Only that- we are not interested.
• Because we ended a thing which can be started on a whole new note. The choice was ours.
• Because our lives were always parallel... but we had decided to bridge it. We had decided to hold hands over the gap dividing us. Now- we had let go.
  

Two completely different persons.
That evening I realized what it feels to meet a person who was once loved dearly... and how the things have drastically changed since then.

Is it really possible that a human can feel no need for another human he has known?
Man is a social animal for all we know.

Yes, it is.
It is with our emotions that we create illusions which suggest that our lives are not parallel.
It is with emotions that we ignore the practical facts needed to solve a situation.
It is with emotions that we are often misled.
Our lives are parallel indeed.
Which either makes them so easy to live or so hard to understand.

People with whom to hold hands... people at whom to smile across the boundaries... but you can't ever pull them on your path.
We all exist in our parallel lives... living with everyone but alone.
Like I've said- We Shit Alone ;)

It ain't bad to assume stuff if it makes it easier for you to live with stuff.
But Illusions can hurt.
It is up to you to understand the difference between an Illusion and Reality.
:)

Coming Back to Life - Pink Floyd

This song is one of their most beautiful compositions.
I've lived it in the past.
Whether I'm living it now... I don't know and won't care to know.
But I want to build something from the silence.

--

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else' words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of live and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but
I took a heavenly ride through one silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begin
And headed straight... into the shining sun

--

The song is wonderful.
Heeded it for the first time as I witnessed the audacity of the raindrops on a suburban railway station.
I wrote my first write-up listening to it.. lived it then.. and evolved.
I'm evolving again.

:)

A Cup Half Drunk

Another evening fading fast

A cup of coffee lies half full in front of the computer screen

Marc Antony singing and my eyes unseeing… yet completely focused.

So many things yet left to be done

So many memories yet left to be built

Restrained heart wanting to sing aloud from the roof

All this clamped up now

And the dreams lie incomplete

An abrupt end, which I so detest

No one to blame

No one at fault

Except two silly hearts

One brave enough to take on the world

The other tender enough to bow down before an illogical will

The whispers, hidden smiles, soft kisses, held hands and the cold wind

Glare of the sun, coffee sips, long walks, telephone chats and warm hugs

All to be buried six feet deep

Forever?

Hope not.

The cup lies half full.

I take my thoughts off the coffee abandoned halfway through.

I think of the coffee already within me, giving me bliss.

The cup of coffee is not half full.

It is half drunk.

A Circle of Love

(Concerned fellas kindly note that the following post came out as an impulse)

A perfect, pleasant evening and a random guy gets in touch with his random crush from high school.

They get back in regular correspondence and he is as happy as he could be.

Let us consider this a detour from her regular life which could have gone on without his interference.

He had entered her scene quite suddenly with a couple of ice cream scoops.

This was also a detour from his regular life.

A prospect of another relationship loomed before his eyes.

Skeptical, he was.

Soon, they both started off.

They talked, discussed, laughed, argued and learnt.

Each interacted with an individual whom he/she might never have met.

This thought itself struck them as horrible since they (amusingly) believed that it would be like missing out on chocolate in a chocolate ice cream.

A circle of love was perfectly completed.

An issue crops up.

Someone, something, guilt, conscience and all of them together are too strong to go against.

Won’t be possible for one of them to wave it aside like any other disturbing thought…

And so they are back to where they had started…

Just that- it’s a bit like before they’d started.

The reason being- it’ll be like they had never met.

Her life will go on and so will his.

And he leaves her unruffled life never to return again.

My Sneakers Squeak

It was night. The moon was climbing high. Supper was yet to reach home (my tummy) though…
I was on phone and talking to someone I love talking to. Being asked whether I can come to a faraway station just for a meet, I made up my mind in an instant and dressed up.
I was dying to meet the human anyway.

I put on clothes from the nearest heap and found out that I was wearing my favorite combination till date. Lucky me!

Excuse was made to the family as I was putting on my sneakers. Nike.
I love them. And they love me too.
And they squeak for some unknown reason when I’m in a dental college.

I called up my Dental Owlet, who I was gonna meet, as soon as I stepped out into the night air.
I had no idea how come I made up my mind so quickly.
Maybe I wanted to show I can do it.
Maybe I just wanted the meet to take place.
Maybe I had gone crazy.
Maybe I had fallen (and was falling hard) into that wonderful emotion.
Or maybe I was just following my heart.
It’s stupid at times, I know.
And Arrogant. And Romantic.

My sneakers squeaked as I climbed into the suburban train. I grinned.

We met at the pre-decided station.
Our eyes spoke as much as she did. :P

Hands held tight, we spoke in those million languages of our world.
Too reluctant to stop chattering… :P
Aunties glared at us culprits of PDA.

Train came again and took us back to our respective residences.
Phone calls made up the aftermath of our meet.

Lying on my bed, I grinned in that foolish dazed way… which (for me) is a combination of ecstasy thoroughly mixed with extreme drowsiness.

Elvis crooned his songs in my silly heart.

I could have sworn that my sneakers squeaked on that shoe-stand of theirs…

Breaking Free

I’m feeling funny at the moment.
My mind is confused with random thoughts… and I aint in no mood to encourage this situation.
I want to ride the wind, and be a free soul… and live my life.

Every time I decide to act in a specific way, I lose the firmness on hearing her voice on the phone. I wonder whether I’m really that weak. I don’t want to be.
I was not betrayed. I was not left out in the cold. I know that.
But what the heck?!
Why the hell am I still sticking to the past?
(Hope you don’t read Louis Hay or you’ll know what I’m suffering from)

I dream that the stone doesn’t want to roll anymore but is being rolled forcibly…
Aint I an emotional fool?
I forget that nothing can be moved unless it wants to be moved…
(Forget Newton, I Rule My World)

The sun is bright, the wind is playful and cold… refreshingly cold.
The light drizzle makes a cup of coffee much more heavenly.
I walk around the countryside, I climb the mountains, I cross the rivers,
I count the stars at night and I chat with the sunbeam.
I’m getting to know myself once again.

I feel newborn and I see the world in a brand new light…
I am neither sad nor happy… I’m serene.
And I see with eyes of a student.

I'm learning with a new hope… now that I’ve broken free…

A Cuppa In The Rain

Love is like a steaming cup of coffee in the rain.
It keeps you warm and cheers you up when the world is getting drenched.
It gives you a high and also a brand new perspective to look at life.
Also, it doesn’t last forever.
I’d a sip from this cup once. I know I can’t let go the past easily and that gives me a constipated feeling.

Things weren’t well between us since the very beginning. Yet, we were in love.
I’ve always been, unlike her, the easy-going one. She doesn’t understand humor at its wittiest like I do. Aggression comes naturally to me while she prefers to stay inside the shell. ‘Adventure’ is defined differently by both of us.
Maybe that’s what made me fall for her. And that’s what made her think that we weren’t made for each other. Now I know she was right.

Whatever maybe the case, I know she’s an angel. Deep eyes speaking volumes… infinite patience… she gave ‘softness’ a whole new meaning.

I don’t know when we started liking each other. Maybe our actions told us. Waiting for hours on the railway station, conversations lasting for hours on the telephone, the thrill while planning our future lives together and… when our eyes spoke much more than mere words every time we met.
Small things do matter when there’s nothing more to expect.
Though I never knew we’d fall apart.
I’d no idea how vulnerable a candle is which has withstood a whirlwind.
It cannot survive the rain.

It all started with the rain.
I was sixteen. On a rainy afternoon, I’d seen her walk by, wearing black. She was on my mind the whole day.
Sometime during the fall, we met on a crowded foot-over bridge. That’s when I got her phone number. It rained calls on her phone for the next three months.
She just liked me then. I was ecstatic! We spent whole nights on phone. Catching up with our lives, telling family secrets, sharing weird experiences or just listening as the other exhaled. It was heaven.

Rain had come again. This time we went out together. Dark skies and rain was coming lashing down… without hesitating she slipped her hand into mine. In surprise I looked at her and the warmth her smile gave me is still alive…
I still remember her eyes, bright as ever…
I never knew the gloom of the rainy skies would befall them.

Winter followed the showers and something unfortunate happened, which forced my Cancerian babe to withdraw deep beneath the sand.
I roamed those empty beaches alone… a sunbeam for company… searching for some signs of love. I had no idea what I was looking for and I missed many a paths.
Cloudy, my heart was.

Sometime back, the sun came out again and the Crab too… it crawled gladly beside me. I did wonder whether it was for the good. I made myself believe that it was. The sky was lit yet the horizon was hazy… which I heeded not.

Today she tells me I failed to understand her. She tells me what I felt wasn’t selfless love. She tells me I never disclosed my inner thoughts to her. She tells me that I never grew close to her. She tells me that we’re better off apart.

And I think- does she even know that I write my thoughts?
I can’t speak them aloud. They make noise.
I don’t like noise the kind thunder makes. I prefer the silent wetting of the ground by the rain. Silent, yet effective.

Strangely enough, I feel she’s not worth thinking about if she doesn’t understand me. My love for her. My hopes. My dreams.
I feel weird… and fuzzy… like some lost Pink Floyd song… lyrics floating away into the darkness…
A hot cuppa keeping me company with a couple of sunrays. I feel light and peaceful.
I feel cold.
I walk over to the window and smile… ‘cause it’s rainin’ again…