Bikes, a Blink and a Grin

At this moment, I’m feeling like that American youth of the 70s… long hair, faded Levi's, Hawaiian shirt, shades, the bike and my guitar. Out to explore the world with no specific destination… leaving behind a past.

Just had a chat with a dear buddy from high school… and felt like reliving those days. *Summer of 69 tune in the background*

We were a group of 4.
I, Aniruddha, Vijay and Deepali. We had our bicycles and had our crazy freedom. Outside college hours or bunking lectures at times, we rode out of the campus on our beloved bikes… wind ripping at our shirts.

Had long chats and laughed like mad after messing up the examinations. We did somehow manage to score well in the finals though. :P

We had our tangled love lives, screwed exams and yet found time to talk about everything but these. Not a care in the world… knowing we will pass out with good marks… having mild crushes here and there… those years were absolute fun which I realize now.

(Not that I don’t love RAIT, mind you. But I’m older now) :P

During our 20 minute chat (punctuated by giggles, loud laughs and question marks), Deepali reminded me of all the silly things we used to do.

I suddenly had a vivid image of Aniruddha cracking a joke while leaning on his bike and us having a good ol’ laugh.
I remembered how Vijay used to pull our prof’s legs. (Don’t get too literal)
Missed how I, Ruddha and Deepali took the longest route possible while going home after college.
Yeah, missed those days.

So I and the Maritime Chick made plans to meet when she comes down here next.
(She’s in Pune, Tolani Maritime Institute)

Past is so wonderful. We talked about the relationship I was in at that time. It all felt like yesterday. I felt 17 and the cold wind did nothing but encourage this strange feeling.

(I was dating a girl while the whole college thought I and Deepali were together. And we went out of the way to even convince my girl then) :P

And I felt I was in love with my ex all over again.

Past is so wonderful.
It clings to us even if we’re staring at the bright glare of Future.
It clings to us like a deep etched scar.
Healed and at peace.
Past is so wonderful.

I want to reach out to all those folks who made my two years in high school enjoyable.
They are my past.
I want to leave behind a past when I ride out towards my destiny.

The phone call ended with a grin. The excitement was too much to overcome and I fixed myself a strong cuppa.

While typing out the unsaid emotions, I saw a face before me… sweet, dark eyes, looking up at me and smiling… Damn, that angelic smile I’ll never forget.

My girl from high school, who isn’t a part of my life any more.

I blinked and she was gone.

Past is wonderful though, no?

Reflections

A glow in the dark
A glow below the dense, damp trees
Warm and rich
The moon?
Her eyes
And her smile.

A whisper among the leaves
A faint footfall
Wind swirling around
Shivers of ecstasy down the spine
Her touch, so soft.

Swish of her hair
Her tender mention of the cold
So comfortably cold it is
Yet so comfortably at ease
I am with her.

A stroll in the wild
A walk by the lake
Still water which lies under the sky
She plays with it
She is joyful
But she fails to see in it
The reflections of my heart.

Opening Up

I remember how weird and twisted some of my childhood years were. I bet my loved ones had no idea what I was going through or rather, what I was putting myself through.

It did eat me from within and that resulted in a temporary habit as explained aptly by Louis Hay in her amazing book- ‘You Can Heal Your Life’. :P

I learnt lying at an early age. Even today I’m confident of lying through my teeth without even a flicker of an eyelid. But I don’t. It ain't worth it.

My first taste of freedom (in 6th) was bad. I gave up what I hated doing anyways, studying. That saw my fall from the 1^st rank and soon from the top 3. I juggled between 4^th and 6^th till the very end of schooling. Never 5^th, mind you.

I’ve gone through everything and have seen everything. Exploring all the dark paths, I’m comfortably aware of everything. I’ve lied about stuff, bunked school, skipped class tests and what not.

Interestingly, porn never caught my fancy. In fact, having caught my friends watching it, it disgusted me.

Still, I had this habit of pushing things under the carpet. Once solving the problem, I avoided thinking about it and thus failed to prevent it from happening again. This had adverse effects on my tender conscience.

I saved myself from tight spots during both the board exams and guaranteed my safe passage to good colleges but still… the guilt gnawed at my insides as ever and I found myself becoming physically and mentally weak.

I finally saw sense at the brink of adulthood. Learnt to look life straight in the eye. Learnt to be honest and accept things as they are.

That decreased the need of social approval in me to a considerable extent.

This helped me write. Writing to me is like confessing. I can’t sit on this table to think and then write. It has to be inside already and I just have to pour it out. Things I don’t speak or I’ll never speak come tumbling out in the form of words. Hands start typing and before realizing, I’ve before myself a poem or a write-up.

This form of expression helped me accept myself and it helped me grow. It helped me open up. Having read my poetry, the family started knowing what went on in my mind. They understood me better and gave me my space which I badly needed.

It helped me clear my mind of all guilt, of all the soggy loads and healed me from within.

I again recommend the mentioned book. :P

I regret my dishonesty now. I was a fool and I was a fool.

Maybe this realization is what prompts me to write my Internet profiles in detail. Unconsciously, I tend to show that I’ve nothing to hide.

It’s better to face things you hate than running away from them. For they haunt you and that sucks.
Make them a part of your life and be aware of their presence. Feel the pain daily and you’ll feel it lessening slowly.

These skeletons in your closet have no right to live forever.
Stare them down.

That’s what I’m doing at the mo… though the situation is very different.

No, nothing to do with academics.

Twilight Coffee

It’s one of those evenings. I’m feeling all lonely (well I’m alone at home) and am trying to get cozy sitting in front of the computer with a beloved mug full of coffee.

Soulful music is what I’m craving for.

After a pretty long time are Pink Floyd, Doors and Eagles playing through my speakers.

I log on to Orkut… browse around... see a particular profile… feel that heart ache.

Gawd… what an evening!

Then as usual, I start thinking. :P

Status:

Family- away on prior commitments.

Ex- angry *frowns*

Relationship Status- single *sighs*

Best buds- argued with one, others busy in respective exams.

Girls I find cute- out of reach at the moment

Girls who find me cute- wanting to be out of their reach. *sighs*

Music- Clapton, Mayer, Nirvana, Death, Psychedelic and Oldies.

Cell phone- ever ageing

Hair- ever dwindling

Mates- all of ‘em busy in effing exams!! (as I’m supposed to be)

Kid Bros- both of ‘em in a far away city

My head- in that ruddy cranium

Yet again I missed my lucky ex for some inscrutable reason.

I grew up within myself and learnt to forgive. (I added a certain git to my Orkut 'Fraanship' List) (This was done to put an end to all those bad vibes)

(And in this manner..)
Brought some love in that arrogant, romantic heart of mine.

I evolved… a bit more.

Twilight coffee can do wonders. :)

Dumbasses

(This post may exhibit extreme opinions. Some sentences may appear as if they're being yelled out. Please understand that it was written when I was angry, frustrated and disgusted. The mood gets reflected in my writing. Cheers,)

Education gives birth to better citizens. What’s education according to the average Indian citizens? Nothing but marks!

I say that’s bullshit.

Pure, unadulterated, eco-friendly bullshit.

I have seen blokes with excellent marks being as worthy of being a good citizen as is a muddy pig.

Common mannerisms (regarding spitting, peeing and littering) are absent in these ‘model’ students.

Under graduate male students have no idea how to respect the fairer ‘n cuter sex.

Ignorance abundant and airhead personality, these class toppers search for ‘fraanship’ on social networking sites.

I aint cursing the breed… but though they’re less in number, these hateful freaks have successfully planted hatred in my mind.

They are pitiable too.

No family values, sick neighborhood and pathetic teachers are the sole reason behind the existence of these types.

Let’s come to a true incident as narrated to me by me:

“As you know, Xavieriites and VJTI students rarely remove their identity cards while commuting. I mean alright, they’re lucky and smart… they’re enjoying in two of the best colleges Mumbai has to offer. But why the hell do they have to show off?! Show off to whom?! To the population which hardly bothers about your college while pushing you around in the train?!

Anyways, once on my way back home, I spotted a young, bespectacled, VJTI guy in my first class compartment. Since it was partially empty, he was happily getting high on his i-pod and had his pair of dirty lower limbs firmly placed on the opposite seat.

*Note: VJTI Engineers are one of the best in the country. I’m witnessing the great college’s spawn. He is educated and is being educated. Model Engineer. Model citizen.*

I lost my temper at once. I asked him point blank (with Nazi arrogance) what the number of his spectacle lenses was. Confused, he answered in decimals. I asked him whether he can see objects at a distance now that he’s armed with four eyes. He said he can. I pointed to the sign (telling commuters to keep their feet off the seats) and told him to read it. He did and shrugged. How stupid could he get?! I practically ordered him to read it again and obey. At last the dumbass got his face red and humiliation before 10 odd commuters caused him to lower his feet and occupied himself with the rapid blur of shapes outside the window.

He had his ears bright red till the very end of my journey. I taught him a lesson and I’m damn happy!

A Bullet in the Head

That night was horrifying. Sleep left me and morning brought more shocking news. Hemant Karkare, whom I’d seen walking and talking that very night on the television, was dead.

There’s nothing actually that I wish to write on this terror attack. It has left me, like everyone else around me, numb.

Two of my friends’ friends lost their fathers.
One of my close buddies was saved by some 5 minutes. Had she not caught the train… don’t even want to think about it.
My uncle, saved by his luck and presence of mind.

But many didn’t make it and they are my kin too after all.

Negligence, corruption and insensitive politicians. That’s all to it.

I cried from within every time the death toll increased. I lit a candle in my mind for every innocent soul making its way upwards. I felt proud of the Armed Forces, NSG and the Police. Who didn’t?

A photo in The Times of India caught my fancy the very next day. Pigeons flying like they always do with Taj in the background. Only that the Taj was burning. Did not it represent a wounded India?

The pigeons stood for us Indians, the way our lives move on as if nothing has happened. The pigeons are stupid and this symbolizes our immunity.

We’ve become immune to these terror attacks. It aint good.

We need good managers in the government and some honesty. If only we could buy some.

My heart bleeds for the dead. My heart bleeds for those wounded. It bows low to those who laid down their lives for us. Their holy bodies had to accept the cursed bullets of the enemy.

Youths being brainwashed into believing that this will take them to Heaven and virgins… and the terrorists were actually dumb enough to believe that they’ll get out of the nation alive.

If only they could understand international politics.

If only they could see that a Muslim with a bullet in his head is same as a Hindu with a bullet in his head.

A sick sms made rounds during those days. Dumbasses declaring a party at Taj Hotel and something about not cribbing that it’s their fault if we don’t visit.

What the heck?!

Humor can stoop this low?!

Anyways, I hope the government takes necessary measures and there's nothing else at the moment that I can do. Still, I believe in democracy. Military rule in India is an absolute no-no.

A bullet in the head of the accused after a painful torture is all I ask for.

My Favorite White T-shirt

My favorite white t-shirt

I wear it

and love it

everyday.

White, cotton and comfortable…

Goes with all denim

Which I love too

As much as coffee.

A carelessly handled mug

Full of the beverage

And coffee is spilled

Over my t-shirt.

It’s stained.

I feel sad.

I wash it, scrub it,

Wash it again.

I want to wear that t-shirt daily

No matter what.

A fool, that I am.

I wash it.

The brown spot doesn’t leave.

It loves the t-shirt more than I do.

The only reason I don’t have a new favorite white t-shirt

Is that

I’ve still failed to realize that

My favorite white t-shirt has been,

Forever,

Stained.

The Wind Speaks

The Wind speaks of its Freedom.

It speaks of its Glory over space,

Of its fury, of its calm.

It speaks of the relation with distant lands.

Wind belongs to no one.

It feels no bonds like the mortal Earth.

The Wind recognizes no duty

But Will of the Self.

It leaves its marks.

Gets intimate with the times yet passes on…
A soul.

It speaks of the Life beyond.

It speaks of Immortality.

It speaks of the Spirit…

And I’m humbled.

Me and Me

I’m made up of bits and pieces. Thankfully, most of them cooperate and come together to form ‘Sushrut’… the one you see all over the place.

There’s this one part of me… the little someone inside me… who’s got a mind of his own on every damn thing. He thinks for himself and his opinions don’t usually match with the rest of me.

I have him silenced at every possible opportunity and it aint tough because he’s after all my buddy. A pal who’s bloody critical.

He thinks differently, doesn’t give a damn what others think. He’s free as any polythene lying on the road. I’m comfortable with him and his thoughts only when I’m alone.

Because that’s when I mull over life in general.

My state of mind has changed drastically in the past couple of months. New relationships, new responsibilities… I can feel a whole new ‘Me’ being formed.

It was yesterday that I finally found time to communicate with the rebel inside me. He said he didn’t think much of the recent developments. He didn’t approve of quite a few things. I agreed with him. I normally do.

I lay sprawled on my bed. A warm mug of coffee adding the much needed coziness to the atmosphere. It was slightly cold. I could see wind flirting with the trees outside.

I missed my past.

Let me get one thing straight. When I start thinking, I recognize no boundaries. My present and future… I give no damn.

For no reason, I missed a certain someone. Someone I know I couldn’t be happy with. I… just… missed her.

Then I thought of my priorities… I suddenly wasn’t sure whether they have changed or not. I was blinded for a moment, not knowing where I’m heading… or rather, not wanting to know.

I felt unsure of the present. I wished for a cocoon to hide from it all. I wanted to run away and forget the things as they are. Again, I found no reason.

The future… I was repulsed at the very thought. I saw no future.

Call these the random ramblings of a crazy mind. I can’t think of anything more on the subject. This is what I felt when I was myself. This is what I felt when I believed myself to be free of all bonds.
I don’t know whether it’s right or wrong.

‘Twas just a memorable evening with Me and Me. :)

Heaven

The way I'd like to lose my virginity.. ;)

Cold breeze tingled my soul
I was high above the world
With her by my side.

This moment,
The one I’d been waiting for.
We were together, lost and alone.

I saw depths of the purest ocean in her dark eyes.
She teased me with her smile.

Her hand,
Ever so soft yet firm
In mine.

Lying on our backs
Feeling each other’s warmth
We lay silent.

The clouds were beautiful and so was she.
Sunlight riding the wind.
I felt weak
And passion overcame me, overcame her.

We made love beneath the sky.
‘Twas heaven.

Ascent

Walking in the rain on new paths,
Knowing no laws but my very own,
I feel the force.
I want to swim upstream.
I know I won’t feel the pain, the fatigue.
I don’t want to feel the cold wind and strength of the flow.
I just want to swim upstream with all my force.
Flowers and trees glance at me as I jump in.
Scars of yesterday’s acrid rain hardly hurt.
I feel the force inside me.
I don’t need any sun to shine down on me.
I don’t want more limbs for the climb.
I just want to be one with the force within.
Swim upstream, I will.
No sun, no moon, no wind, no water,
No trees, no rocks, no light and no thirst.
No eyes watching, no opinions forming,
Just me and the light shining from within…
That’s heaven for me.

Flow Is Right

Naked, I witness the purity
Of the wind, of the water and of the life around me.
In nudity lies my innocence
And a sense of belonging…
I look forward to swim in the river gushing before me.
Air is but plenty.
My lungs feel the pain…
Yet everything is tuned and feels just so right.
The cold touch of the splashing liquid is inviting
My feet are being tickled by the little insignificant stones
My arms are waiting to swim against the flow.
I know it’s unnecessary.
The land left behind is past and the flow of the river is all I know.
There’s a deep, warm glow inside me… I recognize love.
I love the things worth loving.
I love the Spirit and its various forms.
Make me yours, I’m still a virgin.

Steps Towards The White Light

I've seen how the weather changes in an instant during my treks in the Garhwal Himalayas.

The changes going through me are of the similar nature... but while the sky grows overcast in the mountains, I find my mind getting lighter and brighter! :)

I have no idea when these winds started blowing but boy has my attitude towards life changed!!

I started thinking more deeply, I saw myself living the lives of others and felt the world from their hearts.

That didnt help me control my temper though... :P

Thing is, I've become spiritually oriented.

The 'larger picture' is much more clearer than before and my significance in this space has been highlighted. I have felt the presence of Higher Self within me. It has opened my eyes like never before.

The pain, the grief, the joy, the excitement and even love... everything is One.

I am One.

And right now, my duty is to graduate from RAIT as a BE. :P

Wind Is Mine

My soul, ready and eager to fly
I stand on the edge of a cliff
I look below, the miniscule world squints back at me…
Wind brings me back to reality.

It is not hostile, for it’s Lord is mine.
I see no dominance, for it is my kin.
I feel no humility, for there’s none.
I face the strength, which resides in me.

At the brink of life and death
I am a free being
My soul has already broken free of the chains
It now rules the sky with the wind.

My hands outspread, Eyes closed
I cry out to the Spirit of Life
I cry out to the Angel of Death
I beg for eternal freedom

I am nothing now
For I’m as light as the faintest wisp of cloud
I am One now
To have achieved Oneness with the Wind

Almighty, make me yours
I have nothing to fear
Death brings no despair
For I’ve made love to the Wind.

Breaking Free

I’m feeling funny at the moment.
My mind is confused with random thoughts… and I aint in no mood to encourage this situation.
I want to ride the wind, and be a free soul… and live my life.

Every time I decide to act in a specific way, I lose the firmness on hearing her voice on the phone. I wonder whether I’m really that weak. I don’t want to be.
I was not betrayed. I was not left out in the cold. I know that.
But what the heck?!
Why the hell am I still sticking to the past?
(Hope you don’t read Louis Hay or you’ll know what I’m suffering from)

I dream that the stone doesn’t want to roll anymore but is being rolled forcibly…
Aint I an emotional fool?
I forget that nothing can be moved unless it wants to be moved…
(Forget Newton, I Rule My World)

The sun is bright, the wind is playful and cold… refreshingly cold.
The light drizzle makes a cup of coffee much more heavenly.
I walk around the countryside, I climb the mountains, I cross the rivers,
I count the stars at night and I chat with the sunbeam.
I’m getting to know myself once again.

I feel newborn and I see the world in a brand new light…
I am neither sad nor happy… I’m serene.
And I see with eyes of a student.

I'm learning with a new hope… now that I’ve broken free…

The Will Of Time

I love to trek.
It teaches me discipline. Of my body and mind. Of my soul.
It is when I retrospect.
It is when I know myself and get familiar with my innermost thoughts.
It is when I'm truly alone and at peace.
It is when I'm one with the Spirit itself.

I was lying by the stream that day. The sky was overcast and the wind was slowly growing chilly. I had my jacket and good shoes on so I'd little to worry. Everything was going as smoothly as expected. The glacier was conquered two days ago and my fellow trekkers were in a jolly mood. It was then I had felt the void... deep inside me.
The gargles of the stream were helping me explore it.

I started walking in the dense forest of my troubled dreams. A single path kept showing itself before me. I knew where it lead to. Hesitantly, I kept walking on. Old habits die hard and so do old passions. I recalled the days when this road was much more pleasant... sweet scents wafting through the air... and when the sky was anything but gloomy. I missed those days. Those days were history.

The leaves of the fall which had blown away with the wind of time had made no attempt to return. The seeds buried deep beneath the ground were making no efforts to resurface. The buds refused to flower. With deep regret I realised that it's too late. The pole was driven six feet deep and refused to budge against the flimsy force of my will.
I foolishly thought that I've been scarred for life. I believed that it's not easy to get over things even as time flows by...

As if to prove my point, I picked up a rock and threw it in the rushing waters. As expected, it stuck fast between two large boulders and refused to move.
I grimaced.
Then it was unceremoniously removed from its place by the current and was smoothly carried downstream. Such was the result of its pointless defiance.

Wind ruffled up my hair as the sun shone down...

A Cuppa In The Rain

Love is like a steaming cup of coffee in the rain.
It keeps you warm and cheers you up when the world is getting drenched.
It gives you a high and also a brand new perspective to look at life.
Also, it doesn’t last forever.
I’d a sip from this cup once. I know I can’t let go the past easily and that gives me a constipated feeling.

Things weren’t well between us since the very beginning. Yet, we were in love.
I’ve always been, unlike her, the easy-going one. She doesn’t understand humor at its wittiest like I do. Aggression comes naturally to me while she prefers to stay inside the shell. ‘Adventure’ is defined differently by both of us.
Maybe that’s what made me fall for her. And that’s what made her think that we weren’t made for each other. Now I know she was right.

Whatever maybe the case, I know she’s an angel. Deep eyes speaking volumes… infinite patience… she gave ‘softness’ a whole new meaning.

I don’t know when we started liking each other. Maybe our actions told us. Waiting for hours on the railway station, conversations lasting for hours on the telephone, the thrill while planning our future lives together and… when our eyes spoke much more than mere words every time we met.
Small things do matter when there’s nothing more to expect.
Though I never knew we’d fall apart.
I’d no idea how vulnerable a candle is which has withstood a whirlwind.
It cannot survive the rain.

It all started with the rain.
I was sixteen. On a rainy afternoon, I’d seen her walk by, wearing black. She was on my mind the whole day.
Sometime during the fall, we met on a crowded foot-over bridge. That’s when I got her phone number. It rained calls on her phone for the next three months.
She just liked me then. I was ecstatic! We spent whole nights on phone. Catching up with our lives, telling family secrets, sharing weird experiences or just listening as the other exhaled. It was heaven.

Rain had come again. This time we went out together. Dark skies and rain was coming lashing down… without hesitating she slipped her hand into mine. In surprise I looked at her and the warmth her smile gave me is still alive…
I still remember her eyes, bright as ever…
I never knew the gloom of the rainy skies would befall them.

Winter followed the showers and something unfortunate happened, which forced my Cancerian babe to withdraw deep beneath the sand.
I roamed those empty beaches alone… a sunbeam for company… searching for some signs of love. I had no idea what I was looking for and I missed many a paths.
Cloudy, my heart was.

Sometime back, the sun came out again and the Crab too… it crawled gladly beside me. I did wonder whether it was for the good. I made myself believe that it was. The sky was lit yet the horizon was hazy… which I heeded not.

Today she tells me I failed to understand her. She tells me what I felt wasn’t selfless love. She tells me I never disclosed my inner thoughts to her. She tells me that I never grew close to her. She tells me that we’re better off apart.

And I think- does she even know that I write my thoughts?
I can’t speak them aloud. They make noise.
I don’t like noise the kind thunder makes. I prefer the silent wetting of the ground by the rain. Silent, yet effective.

Strangely enough, I feel she’s not worth thinking about if she doesn’t understand me. My love for her. My hopes. My dreams.
I feel weird… and fuzzy… like some lost Pink Floyd song… lyrics floating away into the darkness…
A hot cuppa keeping me company with a couple of sunrays. I feel light and peaceful.
I feel cold.
I walk over to the window and smile… ‘cause it’s rainin’ again…