"Such a lonely day And it's mine The most loneliest day in my life.."
Theory: And I decided never to put on 'System Of A Down' again on such days. Basically, the 'lonely days' are all in your head. Plus these bands making a quick buck on writing songs on this rummy mood! Glorifying the non-existent shit. So what if the song is good music? It makes you more depressed and that too for no reason at all. Laugh people, laugh! Ho ho ho!
Today is the last day of 2009. And it has been one of the most restless days. hahaha! Start of another, typical depressed post? Not really. Let's call it a monologue. I know it's a post and I'm gonna tag those select pals who read what I write.. but this is a monologue. A reflection of what I'm feeling today. I'm writing this for me and I know that this is going to help me understand myself more! :)
First Things First Fellow Traveler, Saumya Pant, I thank thee for those little conversations we've had on the subject. The reasons we both feel a bit lonely are more or less the same. Still, a bit different in their very essence because we lead two different lives. Duh. :)
Loneliness, for me, is self-inflicted. :P I don't receive half the calls I get on my cellphone purely because I know I ain't capable to have a telephonic conversation. Low self-esteem? Nah, simply my mood-swings. And if I can't talk on the phone, why waste the dear person's time by receiving the call? Also, I'm engrossed in work at times and that's my usual excuse. I apologize to Deepali, Akanksha, Sayali, Sid, Kaustubh, Ishan and RST for the same. But I know you guys will understand my bad stuff. :) I love you fellas but really, honestly prefer texts to phone-calls.
I happened to read that Archers (Zodiac) prefer a certain distance even from people who are closest to them. But that is no real excuse. Even if it is in every Archer's nature, this behavior is not commendable. Fight the demons, sonny boy! :P
So with half the phone calls gone, the day becomes emptier. Totally hacking my leg with the axe I'm holding. Then I tend to think a lot and read into actions a bit more than necessary. I assess even what my acquaintances mean by their certain words. This often goes overboard when I'm having the Blues. And I sink... sink into the depressed feeling. It Sucks. Period.
"But if there is no Carthage and there is no Rome, where's the conflict? There are no naked Celts too!" Are you asking me this rummy question? Well the conflict is in my head! On one hand, I want to keep my distance even from the Family members. Then I sit in the corner, sipping chocolate/coffee/tea wishing for the crowd. The phone rings, I ignore it and I keep wishing for conversations. STUPID!!
I long for stimulation. Don't you dare get ideas- I long for 'mental' stimulation. The brain had had lots of exercise when I was with the Masons. It has exercise during those couple of hours with Rinkal or during those 4-6 hours with Ruta-Andre. Then it slumps. I miss the constant company of good people. Or rather- good brains. :)
I have wonderful people around me and am getting to know more of them. I travel, roam around the city, have good food at various places, spend money as if it's made of paper (which, I observe, it indeed is), laugh out loud, know interesting people, have pals who love me, have pals whom I love, have Family which loves me, got everything fixed up at my place.. pretty much of everything I can wish for except satisfactory academics. So if I leave the last bit out, I live a pretty cheerful life. :)
So the Blues have no place in my mind. It is an illusion. The solution? Sip cold cocoa, listen to some peppy Muzak (plastic bubblegum songs and Hip-Hop work best!) and smile. Remember some best jokes and laugh out loud! See the sunshine in your world and the Sunshine finds you! And then everything seems very very awesome.
Frankly, I don't expect you to 'like' this note because it is just an entry in the diary. A public diary.. :) But still. And the post rambles off as the thoughts in my Cranium ramble off. Distinctly weird. And now this reminds me of the times when I have coffee/tea at night. I get elated, am on this undefined high, and usually send texts or call up people. In the morning, I end up regretting it. :P The texts sent last night seem childish or mushy. Like the status messages say- In the heat of the moment, Shit Happens.
Conclusion: Conflicts are stupid but they exist. So we have the choice of being on either side. I choose kicking the Blues away. So I listen to The Beat-les, share a drink called Loneliness with the Piano-man Bill and laugh the night away.
Have a wonderful 2010. :)
"Come up and feel the sun A new morning has begun Another day will make it clear Why your stars should guide us here.." (Dire Straits)
There came a knock on the door As I had sat down for a quiet smoke The butler found an old lady on the doorstep She had knocked like someone in need "And what does the old lady want?"
"Does she want shelter? For we have to none to offer. One room is for me and my wife, The other is for my children, Third is for our honored guests while Fourth is for the ever-present Decadence."
"What does the old lady want? Does she want some food? We surely cannot spare our nice meats Nor can we share our precious loaves of bread. Do we have some broth in the larder? No? There is no food for the old lady here."
"What is she still waiting for? We don't have clothes for the old lady. What does she know of our silks? What does she know of the leather we wear? Don't we have some old rags? No? Well then.. please ask her to pass along."
"Is the old lady looking for answers? On her way down the road? Have not she lived life enough to know why and how things are run? Tell her we don't know of her plight Tell her we don't care about the world's misery We live and we earn for ourselves here.. We're not angels in here.. to guide her along. She has lived enough to know where she's going. What does the old lady want? Why does she keep shaking her head?"
I walked through the living room, past the priceless paintings and vases, past the Persian rugs and suits of armor, I stood at the door and looked down at the old lady. And I stood there for some time.
She was elegant and she looked rich, Her eyes, deep and blue, saw well past me. I wondered what she lacked, why was she here, Her face, it seemed, lacked only a smile.
The old lady wanted a smile. She had lost hers on the way. I gave her one. And she was back on the road.. :)
Can I sell you the blue sky? Can I sell you the rainbow? Now that I'm indoors all day, I don't really seem to need them any more.
What with all the walls around me, Can I sell you the birds that fly? Pigeons, whom I loathe? Sparrows, whom I love? Can I sell you the green trees Which hide the world from me? Can I sell you their heights? What with the continuous ascent of my Dreams, Hopes and Aspirations.. their heights don't seem anything to me anymore. Can I sell you my arrogance?
Will you buy the gloom that visits me? On those dark evenings? Will you hold the Blue Joy which stays here, always? Don't buy it. I need it. I'll buy Smiles from you. I need them all.
The words bring life to my thoughts. The music brings life to these words. And I think of selling off the unwanted part of my world to you. I have no use for broken ambitions, Wasted dreams and Slow paths. I need the Fire and I need Wind. I don't need You. I'll buy all that I need from you. And I'll sell off my unwanted world to you.
I won't sell Myself off. There's so much more to me than that. I'm full of Laughter and Love. I'm full of Sunshine and Hope. I'm full of Vigor and Clarity. But still I'll sell off those chinks in my armor.
I'll sell off the Smiles which don't make me happy any more. I'll sell off the Hugs which don't make me warm. I'll keep the frowns of those I love. I'll keep the blows of those I love.
Easy to wave off the Blue Sky Not easy to light a candle in the dark.. Can I sell you my worthless poetry? Can I sell you my incompetence? Incompetence, only if there is any. Can I sell you my arrogance again?
I'll sell off the Sunshine. Because I need to light my room.. It has been dark for long. I'll sell off the unimportant Moon. I need my Room to stay awake at night. Can I sell you my musings? Ones which make me stumble?
Can I sell you my wasted time? Can I sell you those wasted conversations? I'll buy your mind, I'll buy your travels. I need my mind, I need my travels. Can I sell you my Myopia? I need to build my Future.
Leaving on a Sail Boat, I'll buy the wind, I'll buy the Sails, My Will is the Rudder. Can I sell you my past? I don't need it. I have the bits I need. Rest, buy it off me.
Can I sell you the Road? Not the one I'm standing on. The one I built yesterday, for us. Now we have our own destinies. As she had rightly said- "Everyone is going to take their different paths some day.." Can I sell you the Road? Can I sell you the finer feelings? I don't need them any more..
It has been a rummy morning. ABBA kinda helped raise my spirits at dawn and then the rummy-ness seemed to ooze off. I did what I had to and here I am. Shitting alone.
Converting thoughts into words is helpful. Last night I sent a stream of texts to a close pal which helped me realize what the fuss is all about. Soliloquizing in this form makes it easier when all the matter which has been surging through the brain for ages gets converted into a few texts. Packets of words. Packets of sense.
The uneasiness is probably the result of stagnancy. The shortcoming mainly being that I fail to understand the essence of every relationship with every individual at the moment. Sometimes I fail to see what they expect and end up behaving like a chump. Sometimes they don't do things I expect from them and that makes me angry. And trust me- I'll give anything to get rid of the air between us if it's thick enough to cut with a knife/cutlass.
I feel myself bursting at seams, this morning, when I'm supposed to leave for college in an hour. When was the last time I felt this way? 4-5 months ago for sure. This is a hopeless feeling. A desperate feeling. I want to yell out loud.. bang the table with my fists.. punch holes through the walls.. just do something to let this cramped emotions go. AArrgghhh!!
Clarity on all fronts is desirable. One of the most sensitive frontiers being the one with personal ties and fog on this land is the last thing we all want. It's the only foggy area on my map. Yet Mongols didn't ride till Persia in a day. So Time is going to take me into confidence and slip me a few secrets of the rummy times today. Cause and Effect will be clear tomorrow. However, it must not mislead me at any point of time. If it shows me Poland, I should not end up in Portugal.
I know what the parental units will say on reading this post. They will think these are the signs of depression. Ha! But they won't know it comes and goes like the morning mist.. like infatuations.. and the feeling disappears into nothing soon after. Result of the Morning Sun or Repulsion.
Greatest of the things must come to an end and the crummiest too. So I announce the lack of time and I should not endeavor to go on writing about the whirl of thoughts still going on and on. Maybe I should get back to the morning tasks. Maybe I should step out into the world. Maybe I should get back to my cuppa which I've avoided for last 48 hours. The Passing of the Mist.
