"Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life.."
Theory:
And I decided never to put on 'System Of A Down' again on such days. Basically, the 'lonely days' are all in your head. Plus these bands making a quick buck on writing songs on this rummy mood! Glorifying the non-existent shit. So what if the song is good music? It makes you more depressed and that too for no reason at all. Laugh people, laugh! Ho ho ho!
Today is the last day of 2009. And it has been one of the most restless days. hahaha! Start of another, typical depressed post? Not really. Let's call it a monologue. I know it's a post and I'm gonna tag those select pals who read what I write.. but this is a monologue. A reflection of what I'm feeling today. I'm writing this for me and I know that this is going to help me understand myself more! :)
First Things First
Fellow Traveler, Saumya Pant, I thank thee for those little conversations we've had on the subject. The reasons we both feel a bit lonely are more or less the same. Still, a bit different in their very essence because we lead two different lives. Duh. :)
Loneliness, for me, is self-inflicted. :P
I don't receive half the calls I get on my cellphone purely because I know I ain't capable to have a telephonic conversation. Low self-esteem? Nah, simply my mood-swings. And if I can't talk on the phone, why waste the dear person's time by receiving the call? Also, I'm engrossed in work at times and that's my usual excuse. I apologize to Deepali, Akanksha, Sayali, Sid, Kaustubh, Ishan and RST for the same. But I know you guys will understand my bad stuff. :) I love you fellas but really, honestly prefer texts to phone-calls.
I happened to read that Archers (Zodiac) prefer a certain distance even from people who are closest to them. But that is no real excuse. Even if it is in every Archer's nature, this behavior is not commendable. Fight the demons, sonny boy! :P
So with half the phone calls gone, the day becomes emptier. Totally hacking my leg with the axe I'm holding. Then I tend to think a lot and read into actions a bit more than necessary. I assess even what my acquaintances mean by their certain words. This often goes overboard when I'm having the Blues. And I sink... sink into the depressed feeling. It Sucks. Period.
"But if there is no Carthage and there is no Rome, where's the conflict? There are no naked Celts too!" Are you asking me this rummy question? Well the conflict is in my head! On one hand, I want to keep my distance even from the Family members. Then I sit in the corner, sipping chocolate/coffee/tea wishing for the crowd. The phone rings, I ignore it and I keep wishing for conversations. STUPID!!
I long for stimulation. Don't you dare get ideas- I long for 'mental' stimulation.
The brain had had lots of exercise when I was with the Masons. It has exercise during those couple of hours with Rinkal or during those 4-6 hours with Ruta-Andre. Then it slumps. I miss the constant company of good people. Or rather- good brains. :)
I have wonderful people around me and am getting to know more of them. I travel, roam around the city, have good food at various places, spend money as if it's made of paper (which, I observe, it indeed is), laugh out loud, know interesting people, have pals who love me, have pals whom I love, have Family which loves me, got everything fixed up at my place.. pretty much of everything I can wish for except satisfactory academics. So if I leave the last bit out, I live a pretty cheerful life. :)
So the Blues have no place in my mind. It is an illusion.
The solution? Sip cold cocoa, listen to some peppy Muzak (plastic bubblegum songs and Hip-Hop work best!) and smile. Remember some best jokes and laugh out loud! See the sunshine in your world and the Sunshine finds you! And then everything seems very very awesome.
Frankly, I don't expect you to 'like' this note because it is just an entry in the diary. A public diary.. :) But still. And the post rambles off as the thoughts in my Cranium ramble off. Distinctly weird. And now this reminds me of the times when I have coffee/tea at night. I get elated, am on this undefined high, and usually send texts or call up people. In the morning, I end up regretting it. :P The texts sent last night seem childish or mushy. Like the status messages say- In the heat of the moment, Shit Happens.
Conclusion:
Conflicts are stupid but they exist. So we have the choice of being on either side. I choose kicking the Blues away. So I listen to The Beat-les, share a drink called Loneliness with the Piano-man Bill and laugh the night away.
Have a wonderful 2010. :)
"Come up and feel the sun
A new morning has begun
Another day will make it clear
Why your stars should guide us here.."
(Dire Straits)
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