Opening Up

I remember how weird and twisted some of my childhood years were. I bet my loved ones had no idea what I was going through or rather, what I was putting myself through.

It did eat me from within and that resulted in a temporary habit as explained aptly by Louis Hay in her amazing book- ‘You Can Heal Your Life’. :P

I learnt lying at an early age. Even today I’m confident of lying through my teeth without even a flicker of an eyelid. But I don’t. It ain't worth it.

My first taste of freedom (in 6th) was bad. I gave up what I hated doing anyways, studying. That saw my fall from the 1^st rank and soon from the top 3. I juggled between 4^th and 6^th till the very end of schooling. Never 5^th, mind you.

I’ve gone through everything and have seen everything. Exploring all the dark paths, I’m comfortably aware of everything. I’ve lied about stuff, bunked school, skipped class tests and what not.

Interestingly, porn never caught my fancy. In fact, having caught my friends watching it, it disgusted me.

Still, I had this habit of pushing things under the carpet. Once solving the problem, I avoided thinking about it and thus failed to prevent it from happening again. This had adverse effects on my tender conscience.

I saved myself from tight spots during both the board exams and guaranteed my safe passage to good colleges but still… the guilt gnawed at my insides as ever and I found myself becoming physically and mentally weak.

I finally saw sense at the brink of adulthood. Learnt to look life straight in the eye. Learnt to be honest and accept things as they are.

That decreased the need of social approval in me to a considerable extent.

This helped me write. Writing to me is like confessing. I can’t sit on this table to think and then write. It has to be inside already and I just have to pour it out. Things I don’t speak or I’ll never speak come tumbling out in the form of words. Hands start typing and before realizing, I’ve before myself a poem or a write-up.

This form of expression helped me accept myself and it helped me grow. It helped me open up. Having read my poetry, the family started knowing what went on in my mind. They understood me better and gave me my space which I badly needed.

It helped me clear my mind of all guilt, of all the soggy loads and healed me from within.

I again recommend the mentioned book. :P

I regret my dishonesty now. I was a fool and I was a fool.

Maybe this realization is what prompts me to write my Internet profiles in detail. Unconsciously, I tend to show that I’ve nothing to hide.

It’s better to face things you hate than running away from them. For they haunt you and that sucks.
Make them a part of your life and be aware of their presence. Feel the pain daily and you’ll feel it lessening slowly.

These skeletons in your closet have no right to live forever.
Stare them down.

That’s what I’m doing at the mo… though the situation is very different.

No, nothing to do with academics.