Aunties, Platforms and Us

-First and Foremost, I'll thank my cellphone to have woken me up so promptly at 2 in the morning. Thank you, old thing. :)
-Second and 'Foremore', I thank Mitali whole-heartedly who made me think of writing this post.
-Third and 'not-foremost-neither-foremore', I thank the Bassist of 'System of a Down' for entertaining me with his antics at 3 in the morning.
\m/

I had once rightly stated that the most irritating creatures on railway platforms are females.
Even females around me had agreed. Such nobility.
But then- I was just 16. I had just started using suburban trains in Mumbai.
I was yet to see a highly gifted subclass of females on the not-so-but-very crowded railway stations.
Aunties with all their slow, sweaty charisma.

I'm stereotyping this species. Usually fat, but ample of them skinny.
Lack of an ability to speak softly. As a result- they tend to yell.
Lack of an ability to think clearly. As a result- they tend to not think at all.
Lack of an ability to walk fast (YES!). As a result- they kinda waddle.
I am often kept worried that they will lose their balance and fall just because of their sheer speed of waddling.

They love to:

1. Glare - We'll get back to finer details of this highly entertaining characteristic. Just keep in mind that they luurve to glare at everyone and everything.
2. Argue/Fight/Make their displeasure known - Take it as you see it. According to me, this specific characteristic is a right (or wrong) pain in the a**.
3. Bitch - Avoid standing anywhere near the partition of ladies-gents compartment unless you want to hear a thousand and eight stories about a hundred and sixty three Aunty lives.
4. Be a Juggernaught - Remember blokes-who-value-their-lives, never stand between an Aunty and her destination. When Aunty wants to go somewhere and the time on her fat/skinny wrist is less, there is NO stopping her! She will push/trample/elbow/knee/head-bang her way towards it! So what if there's a crowd of men before her?! It is their ruddy fault they exist to push against!
5. Be a Roadblock - We are not allowed to be a Juggernaught. Because then we would be 'allegedly' sexually assaulting a thoroughly non-sexually attractive Aunty for all we know. Anyways, when the train's coming, all the roads through the female crowd are blocked by Aunties. And they glare at us for asking them to move. Cute guys travel much faster through such hazardous crowds. One can say- they sail through! Aunties are females after all. (Are they really?!) :P
   
6. Maintaining Sanctity - They somehow make up their mind of keeping in check the number of ladies in their compartment and refuse point-blank to accept any more.

Wise thought:
As I had once wisely said and don't hesitate to repeat it whenever needed-
Men push Inside a crowded compartment, Women push Outside.
Now who's behind the strategy?
Yes! Aunties!

So let us glare at the nearest Math textbook we've got (or Biology which some of you losers probably hate) and get a feel of how it feels to be an Aunty.
This specimen of Womankind glares whenever it is pissed off, to make matters clear.
Glaring is actually harmless for the subjects so for entertaining results, let us see ways of pissing an Aunty off while on a Railway platform:

1. Glare at them. This is a trigger and instantly works. For better results, make a deep frown and glare AROUND you. In that way, more Aunties glare back. The deeper their frown, the deeper is their pleasure.Works better if you're wearing black, have longish hair and sport a metal-head beard. (Their husbands must be pretty irritated of what their wives enjoy but hey- this is not my genre of humor! Is it?) :P
2. Have a girl? Hold her hand, hug her, stand close to her, talk to her or just- have her with you. If you're around 18-19 years old, it is enough to piss off a genuine Aunty and voila! Just the fact of having a girl has an Aunty glaring at the two of you!
3. Walking at a good pace and using a cellphone/mp3 player at the same time makes an Aunty feel insecure about the safety of her non-manicured toenails. For no comprehensible reason. She thinks we have nothing better to do but to step on her toes and spoil our shoes. So she glares with a desperate hope of warding us off from her feet.
4. Wearing 'goggles' is not encouraged. An Aunty feels unsure of where exactly we are looking and that prompts her to make quick glances at your dark (hehehe) glasses. Like I'll look at the Aunty instead of the cute chick beside her. :P Motherly instinct regarding cute chicks? Maybe... Not unfounded, her fears are though... strictly in this case.
   
5. You. The very fact that you exist is enough for an already-pissed-off Aunty to glare at you.

Interesting, no?

These aunties find jobs as Government employees, irritating Profs, in banks, other clerical jobs, kitty-parties, Homemakers and How-To-Be-An-Awesome-Aunty institutes.
Yes dear folks, they need to make sure that the coming generation comes up with Aunties too.

More on this subject?
Want to know what makes an Aunty happy?
Want to know how to woo an Aunty's really nice daughter?
Want to know what helps ward off Aunties from platforms?

Really- why bother? :P
And yeah- nothing can ward off Aunties from platforms. It is their home ground. A place where Aunty interns learn from veteran Aunties.

Aunties are here to stay.
Learn to live with them.
How?

Stop giving a ruddy damn.
:)