Melancholies and Me

Here I am again.
This post is NOT a result of deep thinking.
This post is NOT a result of lack of thinking.
This post is NOT a result of Constructive Intervals in studying.
It is more like- Feeling stuck.
I'm ruddy feeling stuck!
Like a thread of spinach between my 5 and 6. (For you 3 dentists who'll be reading this)

What do I do when I'm bored, feeling stagnant and there is no output on the work front?
I put on Pink Floyd, sit on my chair and start typing.
The course books lie forgotten on the bed and since it's usually night-time, the pigeons (thankfully for them) are silent too. That saves me a couple of murders. (Those fools are never alone)

I am an Engineering student.
- A student of technology with inclinations towards extracurricular activities which involve almost everything except sports. Perfectly alright.
- A student of technology who can think logically, has analytical abilities and can put own matters to-the-point. Tend to become dreamy and poetic too. Perfectly alright.
- A student of technology with disrespect for pointless authority and brainless slogging. Certain deep-rooted habits thanks to which he does put off studying simply because it does not interest him. Now that's not perfectly alright and here the problems start creeping in.

I'll be frank.
I don't know why I took up Engineering.

Not that it's not interesting, it is. It is interesting because I understand it. Why certain materials are chosen, why we expect machines to work in a certain manner and how can we combine two machines to create an altogether new one. It is fun. :)

Is it because I'm failing to keep up with the marks?
Can failure be a trigger for this boredom? That means I'm running away from the situation. Failure to keep up means failure to succeed and that can only mean lack of efforts. This because I just give up what I'm doing when I'm bored. Like in this very case.
I'm writing crap when I could be studying Cathode Ray Oscilloscopes.

Is it because I would have had better academic performance in some other career line?
Again- this is running away. :P
I tried getting in elsewhere and as stars would have it- I was not able to.. thanks to my awful luck. Came along Engineering with its swagger.
I may say parents pressurized me indirectly... I may say it was my decision while parental units merely laid out the facts in front of me.

Point is-
I'm in the field and even if I can still get out, I won't goddamnit!
I did agree to take up this course whatever may be the reason. It was my decision.
I have no idea whether the pressure existed or not.. but I was never forced.
And if I'm in a soup, it's only because of me.
And getting out is my job. *firm jaw*

Failure on any front is bad. It makes the whole world look sick.
Other reasons for my dark melancholies tonight-
- No life outside the house. Exams. Boredom. My dirt.
- Certain things heading nowhere. No direction. Pointlessness. Loathe it.
- No cycling. No swimming. No treks.

I just wish I had more time and more options. To try out stuff.
I may be slow on some fronts but then.. I know what I'm good at.
I feel lonely when I think of reactions to come.
I feel lonely even though there are no expectations... just a mild sense of duty.
I feel lonely because the simplest job seems the toughest for me.

I hate the ties we have with the closest people in our lives... because then we are not the only ones to feel the ripples.
I take the plunge, they feel the ripples too.
I risk the pain, they feel it too.
I bite the dust, they get the bitter taste too.
Because they love me.

Be a support system. Feed a sapling. Give it a Greenhouse.
Don't feel sad when it dies.
It grows again because it takes time to figure out what's the best light to live in.

Talk of a selfish lad?
Talk of a lazy slacker?
Talk of a procrastinator?
Talk of a human in denial mode?
Talk of a person who's making excuses?
Talk of an Individual?
Maybe... call it what you want to. In any case, it's Me.

I'm surprised at what the write-up turned out to be in the end. The thoughts tumbled out and I know the three people who know me best are going to understand what it means.
I'm learning. I'm growing up. I'm afraid it has to be against the usual norms.

Love you, family.